Arguing with your partner? Done the right way it can be a skill for couples, say therapists
Learning to discuss topics in which you differ is something that people can get better at and can benefit relationshipsWhy can’t the dirty plates go straight into the dishwasher? Whose turn is it to pick up the kids? And why do you insist on doing that thing you do when you know how much it annoys me? No honestly, don’t worry, I’m fine.Perhaps – if you are part of a long-term couple – that kind of conversation sounds familiar. Or perhaps you are George and Amal Clooney, and you never, ever argue. That, at least, was the actor’s boast this week to a US morning show: in almost 12 years of marriage, he said, he and his lawyer wife have never had a single argument. “We’re trying to find something to argue about,” he joked.Choose your moment. “Timing is everything when you want to talk about a difficult topic,” says Harrison. Instead of blurting out a grievance when everyone is busy, she says, “have a conversation about having a conversation. Is there a time that we could talk about this issue?”Be curious. “Be sure you are asking questions, you’re not trying to dominate,” says Blair.Take responsibility. “Don’t say, ‘you make me angry.’” says Blair. “Say, ‘I feel angry when you …’”Take a step back if things are becoming too heated. “If things feel like they’re really, escalating, that’s a sign to pause the conversation that is no longer a conversation,” says Harrison. Agree to come back to it later when everyone has cooled down.Try to win all the time. Try to make the problem your mutual enemy.Store up grievances as ammunition to use later. If now isn’t a good time to thrash things out, “I think there should be a promise that it’s done within 24 hours,” says Walters.While it can be helpful to model conflict resolution for your children, says Harrison, don’t have blazing rows in front of them.Don’t show contempt, even in the heat of the moment, as it’s much harder to repair in the aftermath, says Blair. “You’re not better than they are”. Continue reading...
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Learning to discuss topics in which you differ is something that people can get better at and can benefit relationships
Why can’t the dirty plates go straight into the dishwasher? Whose turn is it to pick up the kids? And why do you insist on doing that thing you do when you know how much it annoys me? No honestly, don’t worry, I’m fine.
Perhaps – if you are part of a long-term couple – that kind of conversation sounds familiar. Or perhaps you are George and Amal Clooney, and you never, ever argue. That, at least, was the actor’s boast this week to a US morning show: in almost 12 years of marriage, he said, he and his lawyer wife have never had a single argument. “We’re trying to find something to argue about,” he joked.
Choose your moment. “Timing is everything when you want to talk about a difficult topic,” says Harrison. Instead of blurting out a grievance when everyone is busy, she says, “have a conversation about having a conversation. Is there a time that we could talk about this issue?”
Be curious. “Be sure you are asking questions, you’re not trying to dominate,” says Blair.
Take responsibility. “Don’t say, ‘you make me angry.’” says Blair. “Say, ‘I feel angry when you …’”
Take a step back if things are becoming too heated. “If things feel like they’re really, escalating, that’s a sign to pause the conversation that is no longer a conversation,” says Harrison. Agree to come back to it later when everyone has cooled down.
Try to win all the time. Try to make the problem your mutual enemy.
Store up grievances as ammunition to use later. If now isn’t a good time to thrash things out, “I think there should be a promise that it’s done within 24 hours,” says Walters.
While it can be helpful to model conflict resolution for your children, says Harrison, don’t have blazing rows in front of them.
Don’t show contempt, even in the heat of the moment, as it’s much harder to repair in the aftermath, says Blair. “You’re not better than they are”. Continue reading...
